Now, what if I asked you whether there is anything you feel they could do better? Did you somehow find a reference to support both convictions? Did you find the good and the not-so-good? Of course you did. As we work together and unravel this mystery of life, it will be so simple to learn that the secret to life in already inside of you. What that means is how you relate to a specific event or change will deeply depend on the references you have associated with it, and the label you have placed on the person, place, or thing.
Understanding boyfriends and girlfriends can seem very complicated and full of drama. As we embark on the future, the technology I will teach you will stay with you for the rest of your life, almost like an internal filing system. Whenever something occurs, you simply know exactly why the person is doing what they're doing, and what needs they're trying to meet. Every one of us needs understanding and attention, but how we go about it can be quite confusing. When the person seems to say one thing but acts completely different,
their words don't match their actions.
Safe problems and why we use them: the answer is in your roots or foundation; that’s why we don’t change.
Safe problems are a way of distorting and avoiding a task, obligation, or request. Instantly, the person has this safe problem that excuses them from playing full-out. It is basically an excuse that you can see right through, which is inconsistent with who you know the person is and what they're capable of. You have experienced this person perform at level 10 for their own personal gain, but now that you have made a request, instantly they have dropped down to level 2, and there seems there is an excuse as to why the request can't be done, all of which makes no sense as far as you're concerned, nor can you rationalize the reason behind it. So immediately, we withdraw.
So why do they do it? Why do you do it? What's the reason behind the reason?
What's the payoff or personal gain we get out of manipulating and getting away with something? Whatever humans do, there's a payoff for our actions. Otherwise, we wouldn't do it. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but rather to gain personal pleasure and satisfaction.
In other words, I don't want to do what you're asking so I will come up with a safe problem so I don't have to say no. A safe problem is usually not a lie but a real statement, or a prior insignificant event that suddenly takes importance. There is a fragment of truth to its importance, so in reality it really does exist. All that has happened is that it has been brought into the present and it has been inflated to a bigger size than the size of your request.
I didn't lie to you-I just searched and found a safe problem in my life to create distance, something to use as a crutch. I don't want to lie to you, nor do I want to lose you as a friend or hurt your feelings. But, I feel that if you knew the real truth, you would desert me, and that would be painful. So, in order to avoid that, I'll use a safe problem.
Now here's the real problem: based upon your previous actions, your current actions don't add up, so now I may desert you for manipulating me and leading me on. The end result is you have just lost my trust with your selfish ways.
As we work together, I will expose the reasons behind this behavior. You will learn to see the entire situation, allowing it to unfold with no confusion as you support you friend or partner.
Remember.they didn't want to hurt you. They were just trying to meet their own needs, and somehow you got in the way.believe it or not.
Here is an example of a safe problem:
I ask you to stop by my house while I'm away because I left something out and I'm afraid it will get wet. Could you please do me a favor and move it on the deck, out of the weather?
Their response: "I'll try. You know I have been working late, and I don't like to go places after work, and my shows are on and I don't like to drive in the dark. I have a hard time seeing. Besides, I have a light out on my car."
It sounds logical (doesn't it?), so you accept this response as being valid.
That is, until you find out or they tell you that, during that week, they met their friend after work for dinner, stayed two hours, and drove home in the dark, and it was raining.
At this point you're furious: "How could you treat me like this?! I can't believe this!"
Believe it or not, it had nothing to do with you: your request got in the way of their personal fun and relaxation, so they chose a safe problem.
Creating loyalty means:
The truth has to be all true,
But a lie doesn’t have to be all wrong.
A lie can contain some level of truth and still be a lie,
But the truth can not contain a lie and still be the truth.
Deliberate Efforts and Knowing
When Not to Argue
People actually talking to each other, bouncing ideas around and understanding the other person's point of view and highest values, including priorities and importance: these are the things that spark innovation and creativity. Remember, you cannot motivate or make anyone do anything they don't want to do, but you can create an environment where people can motivate themselves to higher levels of understanding with praise, positive influence, and leading by example.
Each teen will value things differently: your highest value may not be theirs, and theirs may not be yours. That is why we make different choices and decisions.
If we're both the same, then one of us isn't necessary.
People and how we define
Your attitude is your advance person. Your attitude walks several feet in front of you. It walks in the room before you and shouts louder who you are, because you may never remember everything someone said to you, but you will always remember how they made you feel.
I don't see people; I see their behavior, their attitudes, their patterns, their actions, and their code of conduct. And then I see the person, because that's who I'm going to remember.
Empathy: let me explain
Empathy relates to sympathizing with the feelings of other people. Simply put, it is the ability to really listen to what's being said, and also to what's not being said-to mentally transform yourself into someone's mind and body; to completely and truly experience that person's emotions and feelings, at the deepest level; to see things how they see it, and not your version, meaning, representation, or interpretation of the event.
Another helpful trait is to be able to read body language in order to be able to understand some of that person's feelings, based upon posture, physical actions, and code of conduct. Perhaps the lack of that ability (to read body language) is the missing link to non-verbal communication and understanding. Therefore, much more is achievable, if one has the underlying ability to innately understand another person's feelings. Verbal- and non-verbal communication go hand in hand.
The ability of a leader is to put yourself on the line. This is one of the hardest things for a human being to do, because of the fear the other person may not do the same. But when you do, there is a feeling of assurance the other person senses what that feeling is; it is safe for me to put my guard down.
The motto is seek to understand, then to be understood. No one will ever listen to you unless you step up and make a stand for greatness. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in love? The only pain you feel is the love you fail to give, and I can guarantee that, if you don't put yourself on the line failure, is inevitable.
As I mentioned earlier, empathy is inherent. The difficulty comes in being able to recognize what another is thinking, which is necessary in order to empathize. Sometimes I call it "theory of mind."
Fortunately, this is taught in the form of movies and similar entertainment. Movies must depict emotions by use of subtitle and often not-so-subtitle clues. The most obvious emotion depicted is romantic love.
Such depictions seem to reflect complex emotions and heighten awareness. (Romantic) Love is the most important emotion for people on the path to thoroughly understanding their partner. Hollywood studios and actors go to great effort to depict these emotions through drama, screen techniques, music, and lighting. This is also used in Broadway plays and musicals. The only disadvantage of people on the path to greatness is that they're not used to seeing reflections of these emotions in their partners. In taking responsibility for the end result of a relationship, some people treat it like a movie: "If I'm not fulfilled, I'm walking out. You can keep the popcorn! I'm out of here." And then they move to the next relationship, setting up the same barriers and wondering why this new relationship resembles the last one. Why? Because you brought you with you!
So, if you want to understand how to recognize emotions, go to the movies or a Broadway play. This is a great place to start because here is where verbal- and non-verbal communication are expressed as you align yourself with the plot. Visually and emotionally, you'll get the picture.
Understanding made simple
The best way to predict the future, is create
Society has taught us that, in order to win, we must be in first place-second place is not an option, and third place is failure. I will prove to you how being in second and even third position makes you the winner. First place is the ultimate failure, and the reason I say this is because whenever a person's feelings are involved, all the rules change. In this chapter I will challenge you to reengineer your mind and to ask the questions that most people don't have the courage to ask.
First position , is a state of being, when you're really driving hard to achieve a goal or career, to win or something of importance in your life. Your status in first position is the most powerful force of placement and position you have in the universe. No one can show up for the job but you.
Second position refers to taking a back seat to first position, basically putting you in second place so someone else can be in first. So what does all this mean? And why would you want to do this? I call being in second position the initial step to greatness. You have allowed yourself to see things through the other person's eyes and point of view. This state of understanding is not achievable when you're in an "I win so you lose" mentality. Second position allows both of you to win and no one to lose; there is no value in sinking your own ship or attacking your own team mate's.
Third position is a detached state of being, where you're actually looking down on the problem and you're not directly involved. This visual state comprehension allows you to take a much broader look at the subject and make a much better, detached decision. When you look down and watch yourself and the other person disagreeing in silence, you can see your actions and how the other person is reacting to them.
Whenever you're in a disagreement with a friend, family member, or loved one, and the conversation seem to escalate, it is because both parties are in a lock and load state called first position. This position is the most aggressive state of being, a state of seek and destroy. Your objective is to win, concur, devour, and destroy your opponent. And it's too bad the person you're battling with is your mate, lover, or friend. So why are you doing it?
Recall that the motto is, "If I win, you lose." So how does this relate? Obviously, no one is giving in; everyone is fighting for first position, and the situation is dead-locked. Only one person will survive.
When you're in second position , you're allowing yourself to truly see the other person's point of view, whether you agree with it or not. It's a state of being open-minded and compassionate, basically stepping inside of their body, feeling what the other person feels, hearing how they hear things, and looking through their eyes. Could you imagine what could be achieved if you both were this caring and understanding?
Last but not least, is third position. When all else fails, float above the situation and take a look down from up above. Sit quietly and watch the situation unfold. Watch how you're reacting to the hurtful environment, and watch how your partner is reacting. Watch how you're treating each other. Sit quietly and be honest with yourself. Is this really the way to relate to someone-to badger them?
Listening enables ordinary
people to do extraordinary
This law of relativity comes from the days of Einstein. Was it theory, illusion, or reality?
As we look at this explanation of understanding as we explore human behaviors, we find ourselves challenging what we used to believe, because as long as you're in first position, you're missing everything.
Einstein imagined himself in first position , casting a beam of light. The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second.
In second position , he imagined himself riding on that beam of light at 186,000 miles per second.
And, in third position , he imagined himself watching himself riding on that beam of light at 186,000 miles per second.
The best thing you can
give your partner is exactly what they want,
You can’t offer them anything better.
once read a short story about two arm wrestlers. According to the story, they arm-wrestled for money, and every time one of them won a match, they made $10.00, thus producing a long and grueling night. The next night, while locking hands and getting into position, a funny thing happened: one man said to the other, "Listen to me. We're both here for the same reason, to make money, right?" The other man nodded in agreement. The first man said, "I have an idea: This time I'll go first and let you up, and the next time you let me up and we'll both walk out of here with a 100 bucks in an hour. By applying this same strategy to your relationship, the message becomes clear: let me up and I'll let you up, and we both will win.
“Look to the future, because that’s where you’re going to spend the rest of your life.”
When you’re finished
you’ll be able to:
Charter a course of understanding where both of you are really happy with the outcome-an outcome that supports each other's nature and highest values.
- Create a vision-a common ground
- Develop proven strategies that make things happen
- Take intelligent, sincere risks
- Influence your partner
- Foster collaboration
- Build trust and integrity
- Gain relationship cooperation
- Coach and motivate your partner
- Support your partner's self-esteem and confidence
- Manage change
- Improve decisions
- Build loyalty
- Understand why people need their own space
- Learn your partner's hot buttons
- Learn how to keep people from pushing your hot buttons
- Learn how to cope with excuse-makers and blamers
- Gain insight into what makes people tick
- The most common mistakes behind good intentions
- Learn the single best response to sarcasm
- Understand why agreements are so important
- Learn what constitutes fair fighting
- Understand why you shouldn't air your dirty laundry too soon
- Learn to laugh at mistakes
Take the most important step you’ll ever take toward a new paradigm of love, hope, and understanding. Learn how to stop being the victim, to stop dictating and telling your partner what to do. Instead, start inspiring, start influencing, and start becoming a leader.
Congratulations on your journey to the top of this pyramid called Dreamlife. Now that you're here, the sun will shine on you first thing in the morning and last thing at night. You will be able to see farther than anyone else. It's less crowded at the top, and the only people up here are people like yourself.