It resembles something related to your specific behavior or actions, all of which may have nothing to do with you. Sometimes you're being compared to someone else who doesn't act that way, or acts in accordance with what they expect and enjoy-someone who meets their needs.

Their interpretation is, "You must be broken, and I need to fix you. And you need to change, and become more like me." Well, guess what? You're not broken, and you don't need to be fixed, and they haven't failed if you don't change!

In reality, all that has happened is that you got in the way of them meeting one or more of their needs. Basically, you're in the way, and if it wasn't for you, this argument wouldn't have happened. They wouldn't be disappointed, and they would have their needs met on their terms. So you're the cause, and it's is all your fault that this happened.

First of all, men and women speak different languages, and have a completely different chemistry, standards, and internal makeup; or, shall I say, we attach different meanings to the words we use, including what we consider important, what we value, and what is our priority or standard. This is why men and women make different decisions.  

Now try and attempt to explain yourself while the other person pretends to listen. What you say turns into something that sounds like something you said, but a different explanation is attached to your intended meaning, This is called already, always, listening . You're trying to explain how you see the situation, what it means to you, and how you see it, and they're thinking about what they're going to say before you're done. Or, they simply can't wait for you to finish, and rudely butt in. At this point, all respect has been lost and the gloves come off, tone and tempo increase, and this is followed by finger-pointing, accusing and blaming. And, if that doesn't work, I'll dig into the past and pull something out of my bag of ignorance to hurt your feelings so you can experience the pain I feel.

“Women like people, Men like things”

The ability of a leader is to put yourself on the line. This is one of the hardest things for a human being to do, because of the fear they may not do the same. But when you do, there is a feeling of assurance that the other person senses what that feeling is; it is safe for me to put my guard down.

The motto is, "Seek to understand, then to be understood." No one will ever listen to you unless you step up and make a stand for greatness. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in love? The only pain you feel is the love you fail to give, and I can guarantee that, if you don't put yourself on the line, failure is inevitable.

Another helpful ability is to be able to read body language in order to be able to understand some of that person's feelings, based upon posture, physical actions, and their code of conduct. Perhaps the lack of that ability (to read body language) is the missing link to non-verbal communication and understanding. Therefore, much more is achievable, if one has the underlying ability to innately understand another person's feelings. Verbal- and non-verbal communication go hand in hand.

As I mentioned earlier, empathy is inherent. The difficulty comes in being able to recognize what another is thinking, which is necessary in order to empathize. Sometimes I call it " theory of mind."

Fortunately, this is taught in the form of movies and similar entertainment. Movies must depict emotions by use of subtle and often not-so-subtle clues. The most obvious emotion depicted in movies is romantic love.

Such depictions seem to reflect complex emotions and heighten awareness. (Romantic) Love is the most important emotion for people on the path to thoroughly understanding their partner. Hollywood studios and actors go to great effort to depict these emotions through drama, screen techniques, music, and lighting. This is also used in Broadway plays and musicals. The only disadvantage of people on the path to greatness is that they're not used to seeing reflections of these emotions in their partners. In taking responsibility for the end result of a relationship, some people treat it like a movie: "If I'm not fulfilled, I'm walking out. You can keep the popcorn! I'm out of here." And then they move to the next relationship, setting up the same barriers and wondering why this new relationship resembles the last one. Why? Because you brought you with you!  

Understanding made simple
The best way to predict the future, is to create it

First position is a state of being, when you're really driving hard to achieve a goal or career, to win or something of importance in your life. Your status in first position is the most powerful force of placement and position you have in the universe. No one can show up for the job but you.

Second position refers to taking a back seat to first position, basically putting you in second place so someone else can be in first. So what does all this mean? And why would you want to do this? I call being in second position the initial step to greatness. You have allowed yourself to see things through the other person's eyes and point of view. This state of understanding is not achievable when you're in an "I win so you lose" mentality. Second position allows both of you to win and no one to lose; there is no value in sinking your own ship or attacking your own team mate's.

Third position is a detached state of being, where you're actually looking down on the problem and you're not directly involved. This visual state of comprehension allows you to take a much broader look at the subject and make a much better, detached decision. When you look down and watch yourself and the other person disagreeing in silence, you can see your actions and how the other person is reacting to them.

Whenever you're in a disagreement with a friend, family member, or loved one, and the conversation seems to escalate, it is because both parties are in a lock and load state called first position. This position is the most aggressive state of being, a state of seek and destroy. Your objective is to win, conquer, devour, and destroy your opponent. And it's too bad the person you're battling with is your mate, lover, or friend. So why are you doing it?
Recall that the motto is, "If I win, you lose." So how does this relate? Obviously, no one is giving in; everyone is fighting for first position, and the situation is dead-locked. Only one person will survive.

When you're in second position , you're allowing yourself to truly see the other person's point of view, whether you agree with it or not. It's a state of being open-minded and compassionate, basically stepping inside of one's body, feeling what the other person feels, hearing how they hear things, and looking through their eyes. Could you imagine what could be achieved if you both were this caring and understanding?

Last but not least, is third position . When all else fails, float above the situation and take a look down from up above. Sit quietly and watch the situation unfold. Watch how you're reacting to the hurtful environment, and watch how your partner is reacting. Watch how you're treating each other. Sit quietly and be honest with yourself. Is this really the way to relate to someone-to badger them?

Creating loyalty means:
The truth has to be all true,
But a lie doesn't have to be all wrong.
A lie can contain some level of truth and still be a lie,
But the truth cannot contain a lie and still be the truth.

Chuck Williams

Listening enables ordinary people to do extraordinary things.

This law of relativity comes from the days of Einstein. Was it theory, illusion, or reality?
Einstein imagined himself in first position, casting a beam of light. The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second.
In second position, he imagined himself riding on that beam of light at 186,000 miles per second.
And, in third position, he imagined himself watching himself riding on that beam of light at 186,000 miles per second.

As we look at this explanation of understanding as we explore human behaviors, we find ourselves challenging what we used to believe, because as long as you're in first position, you're missing everything.

A short story

I once read a short story about two arm wrestlers. According to the story, they arm-wrestled for money, and every time one of them won a match, they made $10.00, thus producing a long and grueling night. The next night, while locking hands and getting into position, a funny thing happened: one man said to the other, "Listen to me. We're both here for the same reason, to make money, right?" The other man nodded in agreement. The first man said, "I have an idea: This time I'll go first and let you up, and the next time you let me up and we'll both walk out of here with a 100 bucks in an hour. By applying this same strategy to your relationship, the message becomes clear: let me up and I'll let you up, and we both will win.

Look to the future because that’s where you’re going to
spend the rest of your life.

Deliberate Efforts and Knowing When Not to Argue

Each partner will value things differently; your highest value may not be hers and hers may not be yours. That is why you both make different choices and decisions; if we were both the same one of us would not be necessary.
People actually talking to each other, bouncing ideas around, and understanding the other person's point of view and highest values, priorities and importance-these are the things that spark innovation and creativity. Remember, you cannot motivate or make anyone do anything they don't want to do, but you can create an environment where people can motivate themselves to higher levels of understanding through praise, influencing by example, and contributing to the greater good.

People and how we define them
Your attitude is your advance person. Your attitude walks several feet in front of you. It walks in the room before you and shouts louder who you are, because you may never remember everything someone said to you, but you will always remember how they made you feel.
I don't see people; I see their behavior, their attitudes, their patterns, their actions, and their code of conduct. And then I see the person, because that's who I'm going to remember. 

Chuck Williams

Safe problems and why we use them: the answer is in your roots or foundation; that’s why we don’t change.

Safe problems are a way of distorting and avoiding a task, obligation, or request. Instantly, the person has this safe problem that excuses them from playing full-out. It is basically an excuse that you can see right through, which is inconsistent with who you know the person is and what they're capable of. You have experienced this person perform at level 10 for their own personal gain, but now that you have made a request, instantly they have dropped down to level 2, and there seems there is an excuse as to why the request can't be done, all of which makes no sense as far as you're concerned, nor can you rationalize the reason behind it. So immediately, we withdraw.
So why do they do it? Why do you do it? What's the reason behind the reason?
What's the payoff or personal gain we get out of manipulating and getting away with something? Whatever humans do, there's a payoff for our actions. Otherwise, we wouldn't do it. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but rather to gain personal pleasure and satisfaction.

In other words, I don't want to do what you're asking so I will come up with a safe problem so I don't have to say no. A safe problem is usually not a lie but a real statement, or a prior insignificant event that suddenly takes importance. There is a fragment of truth to its importance, so in reality it really does exist. All that has happened is that it has been brought into the present and it has been inflated to a bigger size than the size of your request.

I didn't lie to you-I just searched and found a safe problem in my life to create distance, something to use as a crutch. I don't want to lie to you, nor do I want to lose you as a friend or hurt your feelings. But, I feel that if you knew the real truth, you would desert me, and that would be painful. So, in order to avoid that, I'll use a safe problem.

Now here's the real problem: based upon your previous actions, your current actions don't add up, so now I may desert you for manipulating me and leading me on. The end result is you have just lost my trust with your selfish ways.

As we work together, I will expose the reasons behind this behavior. You will learn to see the entire situation, allowing it to unfold with no confusion as you support your friend or partner.
Remember.they didn't want to hurt you. They were just trying to meet their own needs, and somehow you got in the way.believe it or not.

Here is an example of a safe problem:

I ask you to stop by my house while I'm away because I left something out and I'm afraid it will get wet. Could you please do me a favor and move it on the deck, out of the weather?

Their response: "I'll try. You know I have been working late, and I don't like to go places after work, and my shows are on and I don't like to drive in the dark. I have a hard time seeing. Besides, I have a light out on my car."

It sounds logical (doesn't it?), so you accept this response as being valid.

When you’re finished you’ll be able to:

Charter a course of understanding where both of you are really happy with the outcome-an outcome that supports each other's nature and highest values.

• Create a vision-a common ground
• Develop proven strategies that make things happen
• Take intelligent, sincere risks
• Influence your partner
• Foster collaboration
• Build trust and integrity
• Gain relationship cooperation
• Coach and motivate your partner
• Support your partner's self-esteem and confidence
• Manage change
• Improve decisions
• Build loyalty
• Understand why people need their own space
• Learn your partner's hot buttons
• Learn how to keep people from pushing your hot buttons
• Learn how to cope with excuse-makers and blamers
• Gain insight into what makes people tick
• The most common mistakes behind good intentions
• Learn the single best response to sarcasm
• Understand why agreements are so important
• Learn what constitutes fair fighting
• Understand why you shouldn't air your dirty laundry too soon
• Learn to laugh at mistakes

Take the most important step you'll ever take toward a new paradigm of love, hope, and understanding. Learn how to stop being the victim, to stop dictating and telling your partner what to do. Instead, start inspiring, start influencing, and start becoming a leader.

The best thing you can give your partner is exactly what they want - you can't offer them anything better.